Greetings, and congratulations on your recent purchase of the ACME kainde-amedha-in-a-box kit. We are sure that you will have endless hours of entertainment and fun with your new purchase. As a service to our customers, we offer this helpful quick-reference guide and manual to enable you to get the most from your purchase.

End User License Agreement:

By reading this document you, henceforth known as the purchaser, agree to indemnify and hold harmless the Company, henceforth known as ACME, its parent company, its designated agents, assignees, its subsidiaries (owned wholly or in part) from any damages, injuries, deaths, or extinctions of species arising from the purchaser's use, proper or otherwise, of the product, henceforth known as kainde amedha in a box, or KAIAB, contained within the packaging, henceforth known as the box, as well as indemnifying and holding harmless ACMEfrom any damages arising from the implementation or enforcement of this agreement, henceforth known as the EULA.

The purchaser agrees to permit covert or overt agents of ACME, its parent company, it's agents, assignees, or subsidiaries (wholly owned or in part) to effect entry to the purchaser's domicile, abode, home, nest, hive, ship, cave, or swampland for the limited scope of purpose as defined within the attached documentation marked as Appendix A, entitled "Sterilization Procedures", up to and including the placement and detonation of low-yield tactical nuclear weapons, henceforth known as the bomb, upon production by such agents of a copy of the EULA.

The purchaser agrees to return the KAIAB, including any byproducts, offspring, samples, resinous material, or any other articles, information, or assets resulting from or relating to the KAIAB and its usage to ACME on demand by agents, covert or overt, acting on behalf of ACME, it's parent or subsidiary companies (owned wholly or in part) upon production by such agents of a copy of the EULA.

The purchaser acknowledges that the provision of additional resources required by the KAIAB is the responsibility of the purchaser, including but not limited to batteries, spare parts, host species, correct nesting location, materials, and foodstuffs.

BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED

SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

Nothing within the EULA shall be deemed to transfer any rights, properties, or other tangible assets from ACME to the purchaser. The purchaser agrees to be bound by the terms of the EULA as well as the supplementary EULA (Volumes II, III, and VI) available on request from ACME at the purchaser's cost.

The terms of this EULA are void where prohibited by law, convention, mad rampaging hordes running around with the bomb, and the state of New Jersey.

WARNING: The State of California has determined that use of the KAIAB causes cancer in nine out of ten laboratory animals.

Section 1: Unpacking your KAIAB

Please note when removing the packaging material from your newly purchased KAIAB that the packaging is clearly marked "This Side Up". As a result of focus group testing, we suggest that the purchaser remember that the direction the arrow points in denotes the side that is intended to be at the top, the words do not indicate that the side with the words on it should be uppermost.

Carefully remove the packaging material from around the product, and dispose of in a manner in accordance with local, municipal, state, or federal regulations as applicable.

Caution: plastic bags are a choking hazard, dispose of with care around children or small animals.

Section 2: Initial Setup

Ensure that you have all required tools available before setting your KAIAB up.

• Screwdriver


• hacksaw


• flamethrower


• acid-resistant matting


• host


• soft bedding

Additional add-on packs are available that may be of use in ensuring the correct setup of your KAIAB. ACME strongly suggests purchasers of this product also purchase the ACME kainde-amedha qwik-set resin kit, available at the same store your KAIAB was purchased from as well as all good hardware chains.

Place the enclosed product on the acid-resistant matting in a well ventilated area, away from open flames or other heat sources. As a result of focus group testing, we strongly recommend that you do not try to fry the product, no matter how big an omelette you think an egg like that would make.

Ensure that the host is within a suitable proximity to the product, ensuring a rapid deployment of the product, saving time and expense.

Note: Contents organic and may settle during transit. A good shake should wake it up.

Section 2: Deployment

Using the patented ACME vibration sensitivity fluid contained within the product, the KAIAB should automatically open and the organism will deploy itself without requiring any further actions by the purchaser. Once the organism has deployed, please ensure that there is a good seal around the face. As a result of focus group testing, we strongly recommend discouraging any household cats in the room from attempting to pounce on the tail of the organism.

Once the organism has deployed, remove the container it came in and dispose of in a manner in accordance with local, municipal, state, or federal regulations as applicable.

Note the time of deployment on the attached worksheet.

Section 3: Gestation

After a pre-determined time period (usually between 24-48 hours), the organism will separate from the host, and die.

THIS IS NORMAL, PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RETURN THE PRODUCT AS DEFECTIVE.

As a result of focus group testing, we must advise that the expired organism is unsuitable for use as a headcovering in inclement weather.

The end user has the option of releasing the host from confinement, allowing them to move around freely, or to remain immobilized. This will not affect the gestation process in any way, however users are warned that mobile hosts pose a flight risk, and may involve additional time tracking down and dragging back to the end user's residence.

Section 4: Emergence

After an additional 24-48 hours, your KAIAB is ready for its moment of glory.

NOTE: Whilst we here at ACME understand the symbolic importance customarily referred to as “The Last Meal”, we suggest refraining from feeding the host close to the estimated time of emergence (ETE), as focus group testing indicates a loss of appetite amongst friends and family invited to the emergence should the emergence occur during the aforementioned meal.

Likewise, focus group testing suggests that cornbread should not be ingested by the host at any time.

Ensure the host is in an area devoid of fragile or breakables, as the thrashing and flailing associated with emergence may cause inadvertent damage to your property.

NOTE: ACME is not responsible for any damages caused by host flailing or thrashing at the time of emergence.

If you have prepared the area and provided suitable bedding material, the emergent KAIAB should immediately conceal itself within the material. If you have provided appropriate foodstuffs (ACME recommends the ACME Mad-Cow kainde amedha Meal kit), you may remove the host body and dispose of in a manner in accordance with local, municipal, state, or federal regulations as applicable. Should appropriate foodstuffs not be available, the host body can be left where it fell, providing an complete set of nutritional meals for your newly emergent KAIAB.

Note the time of emergence on the attached worksheet.

Section 5: Growth

Your KAIAB will enter a series of growth spurts, and may develop teething troubles. This is normal.

As a result of focus group results, we recommend against attempting to pet your KAIAB at this time, as the teething appears to give it a very bad temper. Remember, it's just a baby yet! Likewise, due to the absence of visible auditory equipment, we are unable to confirm that “coochie coochie koo” is effective at alleviating the stress and tension your KAIAB will be suffering from during the growth spurt phase.

As a result of focus group tests, we recommend against attempting to use the shed skin given by your KAIAB during the growth spurt phase as a prophylactic.

Section 5: Adulthood

Your KAIAB will let you know when it has matured into adulthood. At this stage we recommend providing it with a large area, preferably with metallic walls, giving it plenty of room to make itself at home.

Focus group studies suggest that posters of NFL stars are disliked, although sub-group testing indicates possible affect through prolific plastering of walls with Britney Spears posters.

Congratulations, you are on your way to creating your first KAIAB hive!

Supplementary Section A: Maturation

We are very interested to note the happy progress all our end users make with their KAIAB, and look forwards to visiting to celebrate with the end user should the KAIAB enter a hibernative state for the purposes of metamorphosing into a queen. As a result of focus group studies, we must strongly advise male end users from attempting to indulge themselves with the queen after such a metamorphosis however. Remember, guys – no means no!

Supplementary Section B: Hygiene

We recommend regular checkups with the dentists in your area, and can provide a list for you to progress through each visit. We recommend the use of ACME Brite-An-Gleamin' toothpaste applied using a wire brush to ensure your new KAIAB smiles that dazzling smile with both sets of teeth.

Note: Your KAIAB may develop problems with excessive drooling. Focus group studies suggest that attaching a bib to your KAIAB is contraindicated.

We are sure that proper adherence to these simple instructions will give you and your family many minutes of unadulterated joy and happiness with your new KAIAB. We thank you for choosing ACME.

ACME is a wholly pwned subsidiary of Weyland-Yutani Corporation, We're Building Better Worlds™

(Because we've totally borked all the ones we already had.)